my senior thesis changed my life.
an ode to With Me
Ten months ago, I sat in a coffee shop in Atlanta during my summer internship and began to write the very first draft of my senior thesis children’s book, With Me. I had uncovered some old scribblings in my Notes app (probably jotted down during a frantic run on the treadmill or teary-eyed from shampoo while scrambling for my phone in the shower — you artists know how it goes) that read, “to cry at strangers and the oceans and to race through fields and hug and yell… to be RICH!”
While this note probably makes sense to absolutely no one (I would be lying if I said I found it and wasn’t confused as to why this sentence was cataloged under “thesis ideas”) I have always been fascinated by humanity. What all of “this” means. How wonderful and beautiful and incredible and sad it can be to be human.
I have always felt a pull towards children’s books that are intended for kid readers, but really truly resonate with adults as well — I will never forget the first time that I read The Red Tree by Shaun Tan. I was so moved by the deeply honest insight into feeling lost and alone, but coupled with a reminder that at the end of the day, there is always hope. I actually have a photo of the last page hung on the back of my door, so that I can be reminded of that symbolic red tree of hope every time I leave my apartment.
I knew that I wanted my thesis to share something as sensitive and honest as this story, but if I wanted to do this I also had to be honest with myself. And that’s scary. Writing in this way for this project meant that I would have to allow myself to confront a lot of thoughts and feelings that I didn’t want to.
The first semester of my senior year, I truly felt out of control for the first time in my life. Being someone who thrives off of a plan, those next few months were a nightmare for me. Terrifying job interviews. Election season. Family health scares. Multiple hurricane evacuations. Fighting for a relationship that I could tell was quickly ending. Immovable client deadlines. The realization that time is passing, and there is nothing that I can do about it. And I HAVE TO START THESIS?!
Though it was truly naive of me, I thought that I had my future all planned out, at least the next couple months. The picture-perfect senior year… I know a lot of us (especially if you’re more anxious like me) can admit to doing this. This rocky semester forced me to re-asses what I was doing. I felt like I was just on perfect-student auto-pilot, and it was time for me to wake up and take my control back. Plans, goals, dreams for the future. I quickly realized that these things can change and shift and grow as I change as well.
I thought that my thesis would teach me some new art skills, or how to actually put a children’s book together, but I learned a much more valuable lesson: it’s all up to me.
At the end of the day, it’s just me. No excuses. No blaming circumstances or other people or the weather. How this next year was going to look, and how this book was going to turn out were all up to me.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had finally accepted that everything wasn’t going to be perfect. But, you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s actually better.
And now it’s time to get to work.
My thesis is my perfect culmination of everything that I love: magic, poetry, luminous landscapes, whimsy, bittersweetness… I have never been so proud to bring something to life before.
The story follows a lonely girl who embarks on a journey across magical lands with the purpose of gathering ingredients to create a potion with the promise to bring a loved one close. Without spoiling too much, she learns along the way that those who love us never truly leave us, and that love can show up in unexpected ways.
In many ways, I mirrored the story after my own life. After losing my grandpa last year, I promised myself that I would never ever stop looking for love in every single thing around me. As I hit that rough patch early on senior year, I found that I wasn’t keeping that promise to myself — writing this story changed everything for me.
I began to follow my own advice again and looked for all of the beauty waiting to be found in every single moment of my life (or at least tried my best to). Even during moments of pain, sadness, and confusion… I reminded myself that it is all part of my own story and what matters is how I use it and grow from it — you can remind yourself this too.
At the end of the day, I think that this is why we are destined to create art. On a much bigger scale, the world needs a reminder of our shared existence. Joy, love, and laughter, they exist alongside pain, fear, and sadness. The world needs us to share the communal language of art. To be reminded of empathy when we are immersed in stories about those who are different than us. Art is universal and accessible to everyone, and the world needs to be reminded that we can all thrive vibrantly together. This is our job as artists. And let us enjoy it. Let us make mistakes and grow from them.
While this is just a silly school project created by a 22 year old student, I think that the reminder that I discovered is so much bigger than that.
I believe that we are at our best when we can heal the brokenness in others, and I think that art is an incredible tool to do this. To provide people with an escape, to inspire social change, to document things precious to us, to question, to experience, to view a movie or a painting or a story, and to cry. The world is waiting for your stories, for your hearts, and it’s ours to shape. The world needs us, it needs our art. I needed it…
My life looks a lot different than it did five months ago, and for that I am truly grateful. With Me pulled me out of a hole of self-doubt and reminded me why this is my path. As I look toward the future with excitement and hope (my own red tree…), I truly have this story to thank.
Whether it’s a children’s book or any other form of art, I urge you to tell your story. To open yourself up to vulnerability. To look for magic. To do it scared. You never know how your life could change.
No words Sky! 🥹
So beautifully written and so true!